Sappho

Dull gloom:
thin, poison gas.
Seeping
Seeking
Festering.

Possibly the only way I can describe this mind-numbing dullness.
I just can't be bothered and I don't care.
It's infiltrating my life! D:

I can't seem to look outside of my own bubble without judging.

p.s.
Inspiration: Sappho

"Pain penetrates,
me drop
by drop"

Latin <3

Motivation? I Think Not.

Despite the fact that I promised myself that this
WAS NOT
going to turn into a superficial year 12 blog about homeworkhomeworkhomework,
I feel that this blog would not stay true to me if it didn't truthfully represent how unmotivated I am as a person.
I'm not talking procrastination,
I'm talking an
outright,
flat out
refusal to do work.
I barely ever prolong the buildup,
I merely write it on a list and then put everything away.

What is motivation?
Why am I doing this?
Will it really matter in the long run?
Why is a bright future and no regrets not enough motivation in the face of present possibilities?
Is this for myself?
Or is it just pride?
Or am I trying to live up to the expectation of others.

I find people who have such self discipline amazing, and fascinating (like animals in a zoo :P)
I see all the logic, but I don't feel the emotional attachment.

I know that I'm going to be beating myself up for it at the end of this journey, but I can honestly say I will be able to look back with fond memories and a sense of satisfaction about having lived my life to the almost fullest.
About brimful, not quite overflowing though.
:)
Now sidetracked by APN on Syn FM right now (Y)

gives up typing.

Poetically Pathetic.

A little something I once wrote:

let's leave the past behind
and runaway into the sunset
we'll leave a rainbow trail
because when it all comes to an end,
there will be a new beginning.
the faded memories of our lifetimes,
the tears and the laughter
will burn into the skyline ©

I needed somewhere to put it.
As its time my facebook about me experienced a change.
This hasn't changed since I made it up FOR it.
Yes, I dabble in writing.

Ho Hum ~

When life hits its worst, the only way for it to go is up.

That, however, has no relation whatsoever to my life right now,
"cause everything's just wonderful".
Yeah, I just quoted Lily Allen. Oh dear.

I can't say that everything has been great, but for some reason, I've become so accustomed to being optimistic that I don't even know how to wallow in pity and self misery anymore. For very long anyway.

Despite the fact that I am far far behind in terms of school work, failed at all my plans of getting ahead and pure dedication to VCE, I am looking forward to this new term.
With or without homework in hand.
For one, I'm excited about (my last) Arts Fest that is just around the corner. What a tearjerker.
No really, I'm rather emotional that way.

On an extremely positive note,
I am pleased to announce that the lives of everyone around me are starting to look infinitely more bright, or rather, less lonely due to many many fresh relationships.
There are those that some of us have been urging to happen for AGES and those which have come as a surprised to the person's personal cheerleaders (I do actually own pompoms).
But either way, I can't help but smile inside at it all.

Its nice to know that people have found someone to co-exist with, intimately (Yeah, bad joke, sorry). We all need to know that there is someone to rely on and as a girl,
I can honestly admit that, buried in the realms of my deepest dreams,
I am still hoping to be a princess with a prince charming

But at the same time, I don't see any necessity for everyone to bind themselves to one other person, I'm enjoying my lone wanderer lifestyle at the moment, it allows for so much selfishness.
And you can still appreciate the beauty of other people's relationship,
whilst flouncing about in a carefree state of single-ship.

However, I can't deny that there is always a dark lurking fear of being alone for the rest of my eternity.


Did I mention I started another diary?
Yup, emphasis on another, because I always manage to slowly stray away.

p.s.
I took the photo with my old camera before it broke and my new and amazing tx9 came into my possession. I'm no photographer, but I find new technology and all things shiny simply irresistable.
Ahh, to dwell in a materialistic world.

edit: wow, long post much?

Grrr... Teenage Angst or Asian Parents?

hfoiafgaiuergfaufyaryfugaeuryf
Thats how I feel right now.
And the irony of this following my bubbly post.
My mother.
My god.
Where to start.
But in short, apparently I'm being unreasonable and ignoring my VCE by wanting to go out more than once a week on my HOLIDAYS.
And apparently all she asks is one year of me focusing..
which is funny cause she's been tight about me going out all of my high school years.
And I always feel bad for being annoyed, and tell myself not to be so petty and immature
but then I stop and think.
Am I even being unreasonable?
ugh.
I shall be fine soon :)

Dissintegrating Lives?

Just lovely.
That is the only way I can express this year so far.
Of course, not everything has gone quite as i hoped, but in general, life's looking up.
Or I'm looking up.
I've always considered myself a cynical person yet somehow people have always perceived me to be a bubbly ball of vivacity.
So I figured I may as well embrace the optimism that I somehow seem to naturally possess, but who knew it was possible to be both optimistic and cynical?
A cynical romantic?

However, people's lives seem to be spiralling out of control, relationships and lives falling to pieces all around me. Friends calling up, breaking down, choking on their words with tears.
And it always happens to people around the same time. I'm finding it fitting that I want to be a psychologist on these days. I spend entire days comforting, talking through things, trying to help others when these onslaughts occur.
I try and share my little bubble of sunshine with others, but so many people are immersed in the gloomy cloud that I finally escaped.

I've realised that this blog is purely for my own benefit to look back on.
I was rereading my posts and I feel like I sound older than I actually feel.
Does that even form any semblance of a coherent train of thought?

2010.
A year to remember.
A year without regret.
A year to relish in life.

Worldy.

Props to my acquaintances for this photo of an old acquiantance :)
Haha, don't you just love facebook stalking? But seriously, I love this photo.

Onwards, exams are almost over, and the summer is booked full and lined up to let loose.
But right now, I'm questioning what this is all worth?
Honestly, even our principal says, in a few years time you won't even remember your ENTER, but we've spent the last 10 years of our lives working up to this point. The only real life skills we've learnt are how to keep ourselves amused and cramming.

At the same time, I wonder what I'm going to get out of all these parties and "unique" shenanigans.
It seems I've developed a taste for all things different and trying to burst out of this lifeless little Melbournian bubble.
Don't get me wrong, I love Melbourne, it's all I really know, but HK and China and stuff really opened my eyes these past few years.
You don't really know what you're missing til you've experienced it firsthand. Nowadays, I seem to be constantly craving for more excitement and something new and eccentric and different.

Ahhh, the struggle to be different.
Its like being worldy, double edged sword that's both an insult and a compliment.
Addictive, yet devastating.